The Complete Beginner's Guide to Swinging!
(As observed and compiled by the owners)
- Getting Started
- Some Other Considerations
- Finding and Meeting Swingers
- You're at the Club!
- Variations of Swinging
- Getting Kinky!
Part I. Getting Started
- Before your first encounter: Make sure you've discussed your desires and limits thoroughly and honestly with you partner. Know what's acceptable and what's not. Discuss situations you might anticipate and what your reactions might be.
- While you're being honest with your partner, be honest with yourself. You'd hate to find out this is all too much while your partner is getting fucked by some stranger.
- Arrange some discreet code-words or body language by which you can communicate with your partner during social or erotic encounters. This way you can bail your partner out if an undesired person or couple is soliciting him/her. It also helps you to show your partner your approval or disapproval of taking things to the next level with another couple, discreetly.
- Make sure you discuss safe sex. If you cannot agree on use of protection, don't swing. It only takes one of you getting sick to get the one other sick.
- Make sure you're both on the same page before starting play with others.
- Decide if you'd rather meet couples at low-key places like bars or restaurants, or if you prefer the anonymity and low-inhibition atmosphere of a lifestyle club (like I do).
Part II. Some Other Considerations
- Keep in mind the essence of swinging: You and your partner are going out to have recreational sex with other people.
- It's in your favor to keep in shape and take care of your body. This means eating right and getting regular exercise. It will increase the likelihood of an encounter happening and will help you meet the most desirable people.
- Groom well. This means not only basic cleanliness and hygiene, but you may also want to consider body hair: groin, pits, the whole thing. Most women don't want to fight their way through two inches of pubic hair to suck a dick. Likewise, most men don't enjoy a mouthful of hair. It's also easier to keep areas clean and odor-free when they're groomed of hair. You don't have to shave altogether, but the majority of swingers I've met, male and female, at least trim very thoroughly, if not shave completely.
Part III. Finding and Meeting Swingers
- This is not nearly as difficult as it sounds. The internet is your greatest tool. Websites such as SwingLifeStyle.com, Kasidie.com, SexxyMofo.com, Alt.com, and AdultFriendFinder.com are excellent resources for locating local people into the same kinky lifestyle as you!
- As stated earlier, there are different ways swingers meet. Some prefer the quiet intimacy and safety of meeting at a bar or restaurant. This gives people a chance to get to know the people their considering swinging with. You can then decide to meet another time, or go someplace else to get to know each other a little better. You also have an easy out if you decide you don't wish to take things further. Finish you drink, thank them for meeting you, and you're free!
- Sometimes people at the house of another couple. This has some of the same advantages of meeting at a restaurant but you don't have to go as far to find a bedroom. This is a better option if you're already pretty keen on the other couple and are pretty sure you want this to work out. The only downside is you may feel there's more of an expectation to play if you meet at someone's house (or they at yours).
- Lifestyle clubs are another option. I prefer these because there's an atmosphere of lessened inhibitions and the chances for hot encounters are multiplied significantly. Lifestyle clubs can be off-premise (you network there and take your game elsewhere for sex) or on-premise (my favorite), where sex happens right at the club!
Part IV. You're at the Club!
- Most swing clubs (often called lifestyle clubs or lifestyle events) have some sort of dress code. Make sure you follow it. Basically you want to dress comfortably and sexy. Dress to be noticed! Some clubs allow sexier attire than others and you want to consider the neighborhood you'll be walking through to get to the club.
- You see an attractive girl (or guy, if you're a girl) and you want to get things started! How do you approach? The safest and most polite way is to approach the half of the couple that's the same gender as you. Get a conversation started and introduce your partner. Once all four of you have met you can get to your point. If the object of your desire is not visibly in a couple, introduce yourself to him/her and ask if they're with anyone before getting down to business.
- Eye contact is a great ice-breaker. Eye contact followed by a smile is a sign that it's time to say hello.
- You’ll get out of a club experience what you’re willing to put into it. Be sociable, take a chance, and go meet people. If you sit in the corner or against the wall, looking silent and terrified, expect to leave disappointed.
- It's best to speak politely and to-the-point. Keep in mind that rejection is part of the swinging game: you may have to reject someone and you may be rejected yourself! Don't let it get to you and remember, it's truly as hard to state rejection as it is to receive it.
- If you want to invite someone to join you for more than a drink you may want to say something like this: "My wife and I are going to find a place to play if you'd like to join us." You might even ask, "Would you be interested in playing?" Yep, you can be that straight forward. Everyone there is looking for the same thing.
- If someone asks you to join them and you don't wish to, you can simply and politely refuse with, "No, thank you." No need to elaborate and no excuse to be rude.
- If you're refused, never ask why, sulk, or get mad. It's extraordinarily unbecoming and will likely lose you your invite to future events.
- Sometimes couples will get started on their own with the anticipation that other couples will approach them. This is where that communication becomes essential. Make sure you and your partner can quickly assess the situation, make a decision, and let the other couple know.
- If you wish to approach another couple that's playing, make eye contact with them as you approach. A raised eyebrow or a "may I join?" will signal your interest. Respect whatever answer you receive.
- It is 100% acceptable and right to demand that anyone wishing to play with you use protection. If someone won't, you have the right to terminate any activity. You also have the right to demand your partner use protection. You're responsible for your own health and safety.
- If someone does not respect your wishes regarding protection or if they try to force themselves on you despite your rejection, tell the management of the club. This will not only get them expelled for that night (and likely every night to come), but these clubs tend to talk. It sure would suck to be blacklisted from all local clubs!
- After the night's play is over, debrief with your partner!! It's highly important, each and every time you engage in this lifestyle, to make sure everything's OK with your wife / boyfriend / partner, etc. Don't assume, and don't sit quietly on the car ride home. Talk about everything. Make sure he or she is feeling alright about what went on. Make sure they know how you feel, too! Open, honest communication is essential to success and keeping your relationship healthy. Listen. Affirm. Love. You've just taken a big risk together and you both need to re-affirm your love and commitment to each other. If there are any bad feelings, avoid language that puts blame on your partner. Instead, talk about how to communicate better to avoid similar problems the next time.
Part V. Variations of Swinging
Many people believe swinging is synonymous with "wife swapping," or that it's only practiced by married couples. Not true! While many swingers are married and do "swap" wives (or husbands), there's a lot more variety to this wonderful lifestyle. Here are some common swinging arrangements.
The bread and butter of swinging. Couples can be married or just dating. Some couples exist only for swinging!
Yes, there are single women (often young, attractive ones) who come to swingers parties to get laid! The success of a party often relies on how many single women show up. Single women are great because women like to play with women, and men like to play with women. If the women of two couples start playing, the men are now left alone; free radicals I like to call them. We all know free radicals aren't healthy. Single women help diffuse the problem of too many men with nothing to do.
Most clubs don't allow single men because of two things:
- too many guys trying to get laid makes the atmosphere aggressive, and
- every guy in town would be there.
Some clubs allow a trio in which a man tags along with a couple they know well. This tends to be a privilege only allowed to couples that are well-established in the swinging community, who the club owners know won't bring someone unattractive or obnoxious. Single men can find a nice niche interacting with Hot Wives (see below). If you're a particularly spectacular single man: Hollywood looks, great personality, god-like physique, and lots of class, you will probably find a club that will let you in solo for a little extra money.
A hot wife isn't just a wife who's hot; it's a specific term designating a married woman who likes to play with other men, typically while her husband watches. In many hot wife couples, the man only watches or only participates with his own wife. Some hot wife couples go as far as to only let the husband hear the action, say through a closed door. Other hot wives have permission from their husbands to play without his presence at all. Later she may describe her encounter to her husband during sex. This only works if the husband finds it a turn-on, and the wife's just slutty enough to want it, and I do mean slutty with the greatest respect ;-) Obviously, hot wives and single men go well together.
See: Single Men.
Two guys and a girl having sex, or two girls and a guy having sex. Despite the common misusage, it's not the same thing as a ménage à trois in which the three people in the sexual relationship all live together.
Two guys on a girl. A type of threesome.
MFF or FMF
Two girls on a guy, or a couple plus a girl. The other type of threesome.
Two couples swapping.
When sexual contact occurs between four or more people at the same time. This is different from swapping because it's sort of a free-for-all instead of two couples side by side. I've been in one involving six people (3 couples).
Swinging isn't always just sex, either! Here are some different "levels" of participation.
When you like watching others.
When you like to be watched.
When you actually do stuff with others.
This is a common way people start off. Soft swap means you're switching partners for cuddling, kissing, light petting, etc. Soft swap is sometimes followed by sex with one's own partner, or it can lead to …
When partners swap for sex.
Part VI. Getting Kinky!
I came to swinging inadvertently through the BDSM world. BDSM, for those who aren't sure, is a complicated acronym meaning Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It's an extremely broad term covering everything from fuzzy cuffs and a silk scarf as foreplay, to 24/7 Master-slave relationships. Anything involving any sort of consensual power exchange as a form of sexual expression falls under the umbrella of BDSM. BDSM has also been generically abbreviated as S&M, S/M, and SM, though those are actually more specific terms denoting an enjoyment of pain or its affliction, which is NOT necessarily part of BDSM play. Lots of couples enjoy BDSM as a way to get fired up for sex. Used correctly, this can add a lot of spice to swinging! For example, a couple might invite over another man. Together, they might tie the lucky lady's hands with a silk scarf and blindfold her with another. Then they might run feathers gently up and down her body to get her attention, before giving her the double-teaming she desires. That's a fairly non-threatening, enjoyable idea for those who think BDSM means something frightening or unnatural.
There's a lot of mutual distrust between the BDSM and swinger communities. I've found many BDSMers think swingers are immoral for being so "promiscuous" and many swingers think the BDSMers are just plain crazy. However, there are also many people who fall into both communities, or go freely between them, such as my wife and I. We were lucky when we lived in NYC to find an amazing club that allowed both BDSM and swinging at its events. It wasn't always a smooth mix, but I know the spanking show my wife and I put on aroused the interest of a large number of swingers who were full of questions for us! Any sort of kinky play must be thoroughly discussed and researched. Unless you know it's a fantasy, don't surprise your partner with handcuffs and a blindfold or put clamps on their nipples. It might frighten them or arouse anger. Also make sure you know any outside players very well and make sure you know their level of experience with kinky play. Even simple BDSM such as the famous silk-scarf hand-tie can be done wrong by anxious amateurs who don't stop to check their partner's bound hands for signs of circulation problems. If you're interested in kinky play, I highly recommend SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and two works, The Topping Book, and The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton et al.